There's Something Special Going On Here...

There's Something Special Going On Here...

In moments of anger, in moments of anxiety, in moments of sorrow, when utterly broken....

In moments of joy, in moments of laughter, in moments of hope beyond comprehension...

Regardless of where I'm at... a reminder of something bigger... a reminder of something better... a moment, a get away... a few minutes of peace.

The Mountain from TSO Photography on Vimeo.

In the midst of the chaos. In the shadows of buildings that scrape the sky. Lost in the sea of faces. When I feel so little and everything seems so big....

I gaze in awe of lights so bright in the darkness and dig deep in my soul for a few minutes of quiet solitude...

Timelapse - The City Limits from Dominic on Vimeo.

FUNNY WHEN THINGS POP UP: THE TALE OF LESSONS LEARNED IN BELOVED CHICAGO.

FUNNY WHEN THINGS POP UP: THE TALE OF LESSONS LEARNED IN BELOVED CHICAGO.

It's funny... you never know exactly when, where, or how your experiences will pop up. You never really know just how deeply you were impacted and how much you learned from these summers... until something unexpected happened. And funny... how the lesson you learned comes from what culture would tell us is a very unlikely teacher.

Sitting in a job interview this morning with United/Continental Airlines for a Cargo Sales Agent position, the two men interviewing went to one of their final questions. "This company holds four main cornerstones. One of those cornerstone which we take VERY SERIOUSLY is the topic of respect. Tell us a time when you were disrespected or treated with a lack of respect, and how you responded."

Without hesitating... I let out a little chuckle. "This is going to sound crazy, but the first and biggest thing that comes to mind are my little seven year olds (referring primarily to Carl and Carlton, but really to all my kids of all ages at CCO) from my time in Chicago. I know I know, it sounds silly and even makes me laugh... learning about respect from a 7 year old..." (they both smiled and had a little laugh, sat back but certainly showed interest).

"You see..." (I started in), "Each week a new group would come in... with two adult leaders and a handful of high school kids to be there to work with these 30 kids" I tell them. "And each week, leaders would come in and try to demand respect. But you see... you can't DEMAND respect... not even with a 7 year old, not because you're an authority figure... you must EARN it, even with these kids."

"To earn respect... you have to give respect. You have to be humbled in realizing that even from a seven year old in a homeless shelter... you have something to learn, you are constantly a learner. These kids had far more experience and knowledge of the situations they were in and what they needed, than any of us did."

"I earned respect... I listened to them, I took their advise, I realized it was a give and take and the need to build relationship. I failed at times. It gets crazy trying to discipline 30 kids at once and constantly breaking up fights. But in those moments when I failed, even to a seven year old... you have to own up to your mistake and apologize."

"My kids, always got in fights, you had to teach them, while some people may tell you if you get hit you hit back, that's not how we're going to do it here, and work with them to find ways to stop..."

"I see it as the same with everyone... you can't DEMAND that respect, you have to earn it... through listening, through learning, and from showing it and sharing it to others.. to everyone.. even a seven year old."

Maybe it was bad to use my kids as an example of respect, of being disrespected, and handling it... and who knows if I'll get the job and if an answer like this may negatively impact it (I didn't word it as structured and eloquently during the interview, as I was nervous since I really wanted to get the job)... but regardless... I feel I did my kids justice, I feel I showed them due respect in recognizing the lessons I learned from them... yes, some rough seven year old living in a shelter in Chicago. (They ended up asking me to expand on the situation, a bit about the shelter and the kids I was working with and seemed interested in it... I talked about Chicago a fair amount). Such a great lesson, summed up in the short, upset words of my beloved kids (talking about one of the leaders); "Why I gotta respect him when he don't respect me...?" Want respect? Better be giving respect...

Funny... you never know just how deeply you are connected to and impacted by the city... and even from the seemingly most unexpected teachers.

"Follow Me"....

People always ask: "Are you willing to risk it all? Are you willing to give it all up for the one you love?" As I try my best to figure out this whole following Jesus thing, the question is the same. "Are you willing to risk it all? Are you willing to give it all up to serve and follow me?" Am I really willing to lose it all to follow Jesus and to serve His people in whatever way He calls me to?

There is no doubt in my mind that I think way too much. I read too much into every little detail. I over analyze. But through it all, there is no doubt that I know myself... I know my heart... and I know my motives. While I'm a dreamer who far too often locks himself in his mind, playing through the "if onlys" of life... I am very real and away of where I'm at and how I'm feeling. I often find new revelations, seeing the intricacies of my heart. Today, another such revelation came.

Radical. A term that often is met with negative connotations. Yet, a term that can be redeemed. As we look at many of the social movements throughout history, those who carry them would be deemed "radical." Jesus was radical. He took the systems and shook them, flipping them on their head. And His call... is radical. "Drop everything, and follow me." Christ calls us to let go of it all, be willing to give it ALL up to follow Him.

Now I don't believe He calls us to follow Him into a strict religion, with tight laws and rules that chokes out our ability to love and freely follow as He calls us. I think He calls us to love Him unconditionally and love His people, ALL people, unconditionally. To be humbled, to learn, to realize we do not have it all together. He calls us to brokeness, and in our broken state to fight alongside the marginalized and oppressed. To fight for social justice. Not to do little service trips here and there, but to LIVE EVERYDAY fighting for the good of others rather than our own. After all, we are only human through each other. We are all linked. The only way to have peace, is to remember that we belong to one another.

I have long thought about this radical idea. Give it all up! I can do that. I don't need fortunes. I don't need cars, money, houses. I don't need a glorified job. I can live paycheck to paycheck. But this is not all He calls us to. He truly calls us to be willing to lose EVERYTHING. He tells us to let go of family, to put Him above friends, to take NO SECURITY in ANYTHING that is not Him. While I am often honest with myself... this one is hard for me.

Over the years... I have lost a lot. And the things I have lost have of course been the things I least would want to give up. It has not been money, it has not been my home. It has not been material things. Instead, I lost a best friend. Instead, I lost baseball, the thing I turned to in times of need when I needed to get away, the thing that stirred a deep passion and that was my path to so many other things. Instead, I lost the stability of my parents marriage. Instead, I have seen my closest group of friends slowly grow apart. Though we are still there and talk occasionally, we are not the support and strength for each other we once were. Instead, I lost my dog, the one I could always rely on to listen to and be around if I needed it.

Over the past few years, I have bounced from city to city, job to job, close community to close community. I have experienced loss, and seen the same in so many lives. While it has pushed me, made me grow, and helped me be the man I am today...it has left deep wounds and ugly scars lingering below the surface. For you see, now when people ask if I'm willing to lose it all... to TRULY LOSE IT ALL.... I don't know that I can say yes...

Deep in me there is a fear. I cannot let go... for I fear that if I let go... it will slip away never to come back. As I begin to care for people, I become attached. I begin to read too deeply into things, and for fear of losing someone I smother them. For fear of losing something, I cling to it. I pour and invest hoping somehow this will make it stick. In the end, i wonder if I drive things away. I try so hard to be constant, to be present in their lives... that it becomes to much. My focus moves from truly investing in and helping people... from fighting systems of injustice and being a (broken) pillar, there for people to come to. It shifts to clinginess, to holding too tightly for fear of losing... for fear of being alone... for fear of being replaced and having no worth or purpose. Unhealthy... my worth and security are too deeply rapped up in people...in a person I'm scared to lose. I'm not scared to fail... I suppose I'm scared to be irrelevant. Not to the world, but to the people around me who I care so deeply for. I'm truly scared to give it all up... to pursue the greater good, to pursue that which I am called to.

So the question lingers. Am I willing to give it all up? Am I willing to lose it ALL? Am I willing to let go of friends even if they move on without me? Am I willing to let go of my reputation? Am I willing to let go of everything that provides any kind of consistency... and drift, wander after this Jesus who simply says "follow me?" Am I willing to walk alone in the darkness because He calls me to? Am I truly willing to be radical.....?

Fear grips me tightly... but that's where I'm working to be.

"This Ain't A Game"

People think I'm crazy. Okay, let's be honest, I am a bit crazy. Would I be matty if I wasn't? But that craziness isn't what I'm talking about. People think I am crazy because of my deep love and connection to sports. Sometimes it's brushed off as "oh boys," or being a typical jock/male. But, for me, this love and affinity for sports runs a lot deeper than that. It's about time people start to see and understand why.

The first thing one must come to understand is that sports, particularly baseball, were a huge part of the first 18-years of my life. It all started when I was little.

My brother is 8 years older than I am. I am not as close to him as I was when I was little for various reasons (though I still love him to death), but when I was younger he was my star. Yes he picked on me like any older brother and yes I annoyed the hell out of him like any little brother, but there was more. I looked up to him, especially in sports. My brother loved sports, but he especially loved baseball. He was a ballplayer, and he was good. Anytime he had a game, I was there. I'd be in the crowd. I'd come up to the dug out to give him snacks. After the game I would put on a helmet and run the bases. I fell in love with the game, and it was a connection for me to him.

My dad says he will never forget the day I first took the field for T-Ball. My face lit up, a smile that could rival the sun. I loved every moment, my dream had come true (even through my middle school years, the smile never left when I was on the field. Batters used to get creeped out by the pitcher who was grinning, enjoying every second of life on the field). While some kids had fun, this was the world to me. I remember running around the field playing every position because no one else on my teams seemed to be quite as into it as me. It was my love, my joy. I enjoyed to write, I enjoyed drawing and playing with blocks, but I LOVED baseball. In kindergarten I would always play ball with my friends at recess. When friends came over we would take turns pretending one person was the pitcher and one was the catcher as if it were a real life game. At my grandparents I used to practice all my favorite players stances as I played wiffle ball. Me and baseball went hand in hand.

As I grew older, it seemed to be the most common link between my brother and I. Neither of my siblings are Christians so I couldn't (or didn't know how) to talk to them about the Bible/my beliefs, and my brother is older than I am so I was too young to understand anything else he enjoyed. However, video games and sports I got. I would continue to watch his games, and he would come to mine (which was the second coolest thing behind playing). I would throw the ball against the porch like he did, trying to throw harder than him. I would always try to be better than he was. I could talk baseball with him, even from a young age, because I watched it and understood it. It was a bond between brothers. I never had a girlfriend so we didn't talk girls, I was too young to talk politics, and too young to talk about my beliefs...I think my view on what life is about was always different than his. Baseball was a mutual love.

Now the older I grew, the more I kept things bottled up inside. My siblings fought a lot (though looking back, probably not that much more than any other teenage siblings two years apart), so I felt I had to be perfect to make up for their arguing. If something was ever wrong, I didn't want to tell anyone because then my parents would have three kids with issues (all kids have issues, but I didn't understand this back then). I also put an enormous pressure on myself to excel and be "perfect." To add to this, I haven't been the closest to my parents. It's not all on them or all on me, it's just the way things have happened. So, I kept things inside. I didn't tell others what was going on either. For a long time (even some to this day) I have wrestled with self-esteem and a lot of self-doubt. The Devil has always been good at convincing me people don't really care about me, it's just them responding out of obligation for my asking them how they are doing. It took a lot for me to tell people what was up, I had to save face and they had to show they really cared.


In the midst of all this....I turned to baseball. Sports became my sanctuary. When I was on the field, everything was okay. I lost myself in the routine, in the rituals and superstition. I lost myself in the grass, in the dirt, to the feel of the bat, to the sound of popping gloves. When I was there, everything else was okay. I had a team who cared about me (or at least me playing), and I had something that I was good at, and people affirmed I was good.

I found a lot of my worth, my identity in sports. I was Matt, the baseball player. Baseball was everything. My ability in baseball was going to get me into college, determine which one I went to, and pay for it. My ability was going to become my career/profession. By making it my career/profession, it would be a platform to set myself apart, to not live the luxurious life of a ball-player but to live humbly, spending little and giving a lot. I imagined myself living in rough neighborhoods and giving all the extra money to charity, to truly make a difference in the community and in peoples lives other than simply offering entertainment. It was going to be a platform for me to Glorify God, to change lives. I saw it as a platform for racial reconciliation, as a platform to show my ideas and beliefs, as a platform for people to ask "why is he different," and then to profess who Jesus is. It was a platform to help create change. Sports were going to be my ticket to a wife, as it would help me be in shape and ripped (haha that didn't happen) so I'd be physically attractive, I'd be in the spotlight so I'd gain attention, but then she would see and hear the soft-side as well. It was my everything.

A lot of hard times came, especially in high school, but sports were consistent, I always had my sanctuary. This made my injuries that much more devastating. Missing the playoffs freshman year because of my shoulder, missing them sophomore year because doctors thought I had one of the rare heart-conditions which first symptom is death (luckily I didn't), missing ALL of Junior year and my shot to be recruited because of my shoulder surgery, and missing playoffs senior year because we didn't make em.

Was I good enough to play in college or pro, I don't know. I think in my head I lied to myself and told myself I was a lot better than I was. My freshman year, my coach said if I continued at the rate I was and worked hard, I could probably play Division I, in fact I was one of the few players to go through my school while he was there that had a real chance. My brother thought so too. I look back and wonder if things had happened differently, if I had played winter and fall ball, if I had played for different leagues that could help get me recruited, if I had gone to hitting coaches, or had surgery freshman year and played all of sophomore-senior year, if things would be different. Would I still be playing. A lot of me is thankful for the opportunities I have had outside of baseball, that had I played winter and fall ball or was playing to this day I may have missed. But a piece of me still misses it. The game, the teams, everything it meant to me, the platform it was....I miss it deep inside.

I still find that sports have a special place in my heart. I experience things through them in a lot of ways. Stories can give me goosebumps, get me teary eyed, sentimental etc. But when it's a similar story in sports....it tugs my hearts strings. Invictus, a story of racial reconciliation through sports....chilled me to the bone. Stories about overcoming adversity to make it to the level of the game people are at now....makes me wobbly in the knees. Love stories, sad stories, happy stories, etc. that happen in sports or in the world of sports or using sports just trigger something special. I see sports as being so much bigger and more powerful than the game itself....and as being a platform and arena for bigger more important and incredible things. They are special.

I understand it is not this way for everyone. I love writing and reading poetry. For some people it is music (although music is huge for me too I'm just not good at it). For some it may be art, or theater, or science etc etc. But for me....sports is...it's something more.

I'm sure there are more things I haven't thought of or didn't mention....or haven't even realized yet. And I am sure I sound absolutely CRAZY, but it is me. I sometimes think/wonder if this is why I was injured and no longer play. I clung to it more than God, it was my refuge more than He was. Yes....God gives us things to go to in hard times, but ultimately do we cling to those or to Him? In an odd way....sports were almost a drug, a therapy, and He wants me to cling to Him not them.

I still can't help but wonder if there is a reason I love them so deeply....and feel so linked to them. Maybe this will play out in my future, my career. Maybe I'll be involved in some kind of sports ministry, or coach inner-city baseball for youth on the South Side of Chicago, who knows. Regardless, there will always be a special place in my heart for them.


Call me crazy, it won't be the first time and won't be last. Disagree, think I've lost it, and say "they're just a game...." but to me they are more. To me, the power of sports while on the field, far outreach the confines of the grass, the wood, the stands, and those few hours spent playing. To me....sports speak to the heart in a unique way...a venue for God to do His thing, a vessel for His divine power. Call me crazy....go ahead...that's what makes me matty :)

Yearning to Know [You] More

For a while I have been contemplating the possibility of going to Grad School, but was never sure of what I'd go for if I went. I have this mixed emotion of being ready to be done with school and just learn from experience and real life opportunities, but also liking school and having a place that pushed me, as well as offers resources and forms discipline to continue learning. But what to go to school for?

After the summer in Chicago, I was almost ready to just be done with school and jump into work/ministry/whatever. The thought of Grad School certainly was not n my mind unless He put something on my heart and sparked a new interest. LA Term has been great. I have loved experiential learning, and getting outside the four walled classroom into the world classroom. As people said move to Chicago for grad school, I thought "why go to grad school, I can just learn by doing." And this for quite some time had been my thought. I have flirted with other ideas, as I have began writing more again and my love of writing has really started coming back I have considered going to school for some sort of journalism or writing. Maybe I could become a traveling journalist or write things for organizations websites around the world or in the inner city? Or maybe I could become a teacher of creative writing at an inner-city South Side Chicago school and coach a baseball team? Fun thoughts, but are they truly things I am interested in and crave to learn more about, or is it a skill I semi-want to sharpen because it sounds cool for the future?

For quite some time I have been interested in other religions, but also used to be really afraid of them, seeing them as entirely "wrong" and at times "evil" (I think the church as a while is pretty good at condemning other religions). Last semester was a stretching semester for me, in a beautiful way. For quite some time, and last semester really emphasized and highlighted it, I have been wrestling with God, more specifically with Christianity and Western Christianity. Two classes in particular last semester really drove these wrestling home. The major question that has arisen is, "Who is this God I believe in and lean on." It has not been a questioning of faith or in my belief in God, but rather a questioning of my belittling of faith and God. Am I putting God in a box? Is He bigger than the restraints of the Christian religion?

Last semester I had a class called "Anthropology for Everyday Life." In this class we talked about other cultures, other religions, we had a cultural mentor and attended a religious service other than our own. Over the course of the class, the question arose, Can God/Jesus reveal Himself in ways other than Christianity? If we believe Jesus is the only way, do we believe that His name...and that He in Christianity is the only way? Can people find Jesus and not even know it or claim it, and it not resemble Christianity? This was a difficult question, and one I was not able or sure how to answer. We continued wondering, if all people are made in the image of God, and people have found other religions, can/do other religions have some element of truth, or show some element of God? I think of the division in Christianity alone, and how we love to condemn one another. Do we really believe ONE of our theologies is ENTIRELY correct? I highly doubt it. However, this has not made me lose faith, rather is has made me lean more on Him because I know I don't have it figured out, no person does.

This semester we are taking a class called "Urban Religion." In this class we read about various religions and have site visits at some of their centers/temples or have a Rabbi etc. come visit us. This is not limited to non-Christian religions, as we went to Emmanuel Presbyterian Church (who has a woman associate pastor and are trying to push to make it okay to have an openly gay pastor as well) and an Eastern Orthodox Christian Church (talk about opposite sides of the spectrum). So far we have also visited a Buddhist meditation center and met a Buddhist monk (who plays banjolele, a mix of banjo and ukulele), and went to a Hindu Hare Krishna center. Along with this we have a project where we choose one religion and find a center to visit multiple times, to talk to people and to learn their stories, their connection to the religion, what they believe, their impact on the community etc. etc. We go in groups of two or three, and there is a wide range of religions being studies. We simply have to choose one different from our own. Some are going to Pentecostal and Catholic Churches, some are studying Ekenkar, Buddhism (the list is long). Myself and two others selected Islam.

I personally chose Islam because of the huge tension between Christianity and Islam. Traditionally, these two have clashed. There is a lot of fear around Islam, and I know for me personally, a strong lack of knowledge. I want to learn more about Islam and meet people within that faith to learn. How can I love people as Christ loved if I don't even understand them and their beliefs? So myself and two others are doing our project on the Islamic Center of Southern California.

My first visit there, we attended a short bit of a conference (as the conference changed the usual schedule and what we had planned on doing when we planned to go). This was the second annual conference the center held on contemporary issues in Islam. One thing highlighted was how to deal with "the other," and this notion in Islam or this misunderstanding by others to fear and reject "the other." The speaker, however, highlighted the importance of learning and understanding. She spoke of how she and her father (who wrote some books on "the other" which I'd love to get) dislike the term "tolerance" (as do I). "Tolerance" seems to mean to "put up with." They didn't want to be "tolerated" nor the "tolerator." Rather, they wanted to live in harmony. In order to do so, there need to be understanding, you must learn. They emphasized learning about Christianity, especially from Christians. This was a major call out. Do we ever speak of this in our faith, to learn about other religions and to learn about other religions from people of other religions? Not necessarily to convert them, but rather just to understand and better love them. Interesting....

The second visit, the three of us met with a man named Nathan. Nathan is the director of Youth Programs at the center. Nathan has an interesting story, and had a great deal to day! He grew up in Iowa, with a Baptist minister grandfather and a Pentecostal minister grandfather. His parents were also academic/scholars and smart individuals. From a young age, Christianity didn't fit right or Nathan. While he understood it, he didn't agree with it. He spoke to others about his beliefs and they told him he was a Muslim. Everything he believed in was Islam, so he believed in Islam before he had a word for it. There is a lot more to how he has grown and learned, he is an amazing man.

What really stuck out to me about Nathan, and has helped lead to inspire me, is his declaration that he is a scholar of religion. Growing up in Iowa there wasn't a lot to do other than read, so basically he has read and studied A LOT in his life. Since 15, he has pretty much studied religion/religions. He knew biblical stories better than we did. He knew history. He had travelled to Mecca, and also wants to go to Jerusalem because of the history and to be where this incredible biblical stories took place. as he spoke about his studying of religion, he mentioned that one of his rules is he will not read a book about Christianity written by a Muslim etc. He believes no one can express and talk about their faith and religion with the same amount of passion and conviction as someone who believes/practices it. You can write about it from an anthropological or a sociological stand point, but to better understand you must learn from someone who believes and practices it. While interviewing/talking with him, we asked him what he thought of other religions. Are they wrong, is Islam the only truth, the only way? He said no. "No one can have a monopoly on God" he mentioned. If you believe in God, and that someday you are going to stand before Him and be judged for what you do. He also mentioned that he thought if you believed that, you would stand before God and be judged based on the faith/path you had chosen/fit you. While I do not know that I agree with him entirely on all the points he mentioned, he still had a lot of good points.

Deep rooted in me, and now peeking out, there is a curiosity and fascination with other religions. Whether purely historical or academic, or also to better understand people and their beliefs and rituals, there is something about religions that captivates me. There is something about rituals, traditions, peoples beliefs and the way it moves them and leads them to live life. While I still have time to pray about and truly decide, I am seriously contemplating going to Grad School to get a Masters (and who knows maybe more) in Religion/Religious Studies. While I know I can learn without going to school, and still plan on learning outside of the school setting, school will push me to make those steps. School can help give me motivation, resources, opportunity, and form the discipline I need to continue learning, both about religion and in general. Something interesting about Islam is their lack of clergy, as it is everyone's responsibility to learn and study their faith even more, no reliance on "scholars" or "clergy" to tell them answers. I want to learn/study mine and other religions.

There is some difficulty. As I learn, questions come to mind. Is Christianity the only way? Is Jesus the one true way, and is learning about other religions or learning things from other religions contradicting this belief? What about evangelism and telling people about Jesus if Christianity is not the only way? These are hard questions, and questions that will probably NEVER be answered until death, and even then we will probably not fully understand as we are not God.

I am not out to make my own religion, to convert, or discredit my faith or Christianity. Quite the opposite. It is my deep rooted faith in God and love of Jesus that makes me yearn to know more, to understand more. And I do not believe our understanding of God can be limited to Christianity, as I do not think we can confine God to Christianity. We sings songs about how big and great our God is, and I whole heartedly believe this. I also think we put Him in a box, and He is far bigger and greater than we can know or understand. I am still deeply in love with Jesus. He is my everything. And as I look at how He calls us to treat others, to love others, to reach out to the marginalized, oppressed and poor, and as He pushes us to break barriers...it pushes me to want to learn more about other people, and a big part of that is religion. I do not want to form my own religion, but I also believe God can/probably has revealed Himself in other religions as well, and we can learn from these other beliefs how to better serve God and serve people. I do not know whether or not other religions lead to God or lead to heaven. I do not know if Jesus reveals Himself without the name "Jesus" being spoken and without the understanding of Christian religion or belief. But in order to better understand and love people, and to try and get a bigger picture and understanding of God, I see great value in studying these other beliefs and traditions. I agree with Nathan, I don't think anyone has a monopoly on God, He is too big for that.

I still got some time, but Grad School for Religion/Religious Studies is something that greatly interests me, and something I want to look into.

Simply Longing for Simplicity

I don't know whether I enjoy contemplating...simply staring off into no where lost in my own thoughts. I do know, I can't stop. As the season shifts to "Fall" (Southern California doesn't know what fall is), and as there are a few overcast days, I lose myself in my own mind. I find myself paralyzed by thought. All l can do is sit and reflect. Everything that fills my head seems to be a deep revelation or question. I lose myself in dreams, in music, in my own mind. There are days when all I want to do is sit by a fire, listen to the rain, watch the sunset over the ocean, let the cool breeze chill my bones, ponder...and be. There are times where i feel lost to the world because I am so lost in myself.

Recently my thoughts have taken me to an interesting place; a place of solitude, a place of sacrifice, a place of simple living. It has led me to a thought that long ago started as a seeming joke and has now grown into a full fledged question and prayer for clarity for the future. It began as a simple smart ass remark to get people off my back about girls and lack of relationships, yet now has rooted in me a deep pondering.

At a young age I attended Catholic masses, and have bounced around various denominations throughout my life. While I am certainly progressive in nature, there is something about tradition that captivates me. There is something about entering a Cathedral that gives me chills. There is something about ritualistic prayers, so simple yet profound, that intrigue me. There is something about speaking in Greek and Hebrew, about knowing Latin and finding a deeper understanding of His word that tickle my imagination. Even in studying other religions, traditions and rituals captivate me. While I do not believe that these rituals and traditions are the way to salvation, I find them as incredibly fascinating.

Deep in my heart and soul I crave a life of simplicity. While I gawk at fancy cars, dream of big muscles and the chiseled body, and imagine a life in which I can afford to buy all the movies and music I so dearly love while clothing myself in stylish fitted caps and sweet kicks, at the depths of me this is not what I long for. There are just as many days that I dream of an extensive music collection as days that I contemplate selling my sound system. There as many days that I think of adding to my music collection as there are days I ponder giving up my dvds and ridding myself of a television. There are as many days I think of fancy cars as there are of days I enjoy the possibility of simply walking and riding the bus. There just as many days in which I revel at stylish clothes as there are that I want to merely wear sweats, or a grungy pair of jeans, or more recently a robe. Deep in my heart, I long for simplicity, for a detachment from goods and belongings, for a break from the societal definitions of prosperity and good living.

I am in a constant flux, lost between wanting to do incredible things and wanting to do nothing at all. Everyday it changes, imagining working in Non-Profits, clinging to my dream of professional athletics, dabbling in the idea of being a writer or journalist, possibly a wondering poet. Sometimes it is the image of preaching, other times it is simply sitting by a lake and pondering.

My wandering heart lately has found itself in the land of solitude. I have found deep in my mind and heart a curiosity and interest in the monkhood. I long for simplicity. I long for humility. I long to simply be, to study...ponder, to pray. I long to give up self and world in place of God. This thought came from the idea of singleness and living life without a spouse, a girlfriend, a significant other. Though there is certainly a part of the that wishes to marry, a piece that dreams of a wife and life with her....still there is a deep pondering of solidarity. There are many factors that go into this possibility, but it seems as though this thought of monkhood which stemmed out of a way to jokingly say "what if I don't get married" has become a true possibility and thought. While I still have a lot to pray about, and a lot to look into as to what this life even would look like...there is something in this that intrigues me and pulls a bit at my heart.

Yet, there is a bit of me that tugs back, that questions this thought of being a monk or a hermit. Is this, in fact, a selfish thought? Is it conceivably easier to live a life of solitude? The immediate answer is no. However, I can't help but wonder. Is part of my longing to be away from the pain of the world, and separate from the possibility of my sin and humanity harming someone else? Is my pondering of singleness out of calling, or out of fear of the pain that comes from relationships? Am I selfishly wanting to seclude myself from the despair that is so deeply embedded in our world? And in doing so will I waste my passions and my gifts given by God? How does a monk or a hermit devote oneself to racial reconciliation? Could there be a monk reaching out to gangs in our inner city, and showing them their worth? Do monks come out against the broken systems of injustice? Are there even groups of monks who tend to lean left and are more progressive? In the end, is the suffering of solitude easier to bear than the suffering of community and life in society? Does being a monk even mean to be entirely secluded and removed from society? Could there be an urban monk?

Then there is the question of the power of solitude, of giving up possessions, of living in simplicity relying entirely on God to provide. There is the freedom from societal pressure of work, of family, success/prosperity and opening time to intercede through constant prayer. Prayer is powerful, and what is more powerful than to live a life that is open to these constant prayer without the distractions of normal routines? Is this even what monks do? Or is this a twisted picture depicted in movies and imagination rather than reality? I do not know.

What this wandering soul has lost itself in this time is the dilemma of old and new, of tradition and progression, of different longings and uncertain calling. Will matty p some day become a preacher or teacher, or an activist? Or will he someday become a quite, humble monk? While much is still left unsaid, and not all my thoughts and reflections are complete or brought into words at this time, only time will tell the answers to these questions and reflections. For now, none have been ruled out and I continue to lose myself in the ideas and thoughts.

Fade Into the Background

So often I hear the question, "How is it being the only guy on LA Term?" Girls tell me, "That's too much estrogen, even for me." Guys ask me, "How's bachelor LA, have you fallen for anyone yet?" Everyone seems to think I need or want another guy here with me. Yet, all seem to miss it. God has me here for a reason. God has made me the only guy here for a reason. I would have it no other way.

No it's not because I have my "pick of the bunch" (Haha yea right, just because I'm the only guy does not mean these girls are going to fall for me, just means they have to wait 3-4 months). And currently, I honestly am not even looking. In fact, I am trying to detach myself from the longing for a relationship, and simply live single. No the reason I would have it no other way has nothing to do with ring by spring at all. I am blessed to automatically be on the outside.

While I do not feel excluded, and do not feel as though I do not belong and am unwanted in this cohort, I cannot help but be aware that I am a loner, simply by being the only guy. But this is not bad. In fact, God is doing incredible work in me because of this. My entire life I have wanted to be included. I have longed to be a part of the group. I constantly want in on conversations. I pester people to enlighten me to their inside jokes. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed.

I also have had this deep craving to be "the guy." Not the sexy guy, the guy everyone wants, or the guy that is the shit (ok...yes I have wanted to be that guy at times too), but rather I have always wanted to be the guy that people went to in time of need. I wanted to be the guy that people leaned on, the solid rock and firm foundation.

My whole life I have also struggled with attachment. I get connected to people (or things), and have a difficult time letting go. I lean on people or things for stability. I look to people for affirmation, for worth, for identity.

This semester, I am being challenged in all of these. While I wish I could be there for all these sisters, as a guy I cannot be there for them the way they can be there for each other, and it is better as it protects hearts as well. Instead, I am able to sit from the outside and watch this incredible fellowship of STRONG women lean on one another and God, finding strength and power from Him and each other rather than me or men. It is an inspiration, and such and honor to have a front row seat to this sisterhood. Being the only guy, I am also left out of some conversations and jokes. This is important, as it pushes me to being okay once again with being an outsider, with not being in on everything. God is also pushing me to be okay with myself, with being with just me and Him. As I do not have a roommate or a guy to meet up with, I do not have this constant companion. I spend a lot of time alone, on buses, on errands...and this is good, this is necessary. I want to be okay with spending significant time merely me and Him. I want to be ok going to the beach alone, to going to a movie alone, to treating myself to a nice dinner. I want to be okay living a life of solitude, me and Him. These sisters are a blessing, a great community, but they are nothing compared to that of my Father. Life lately has been stripping me of my comforts, of my solid rocks and my stabilizers, replacing them with Him alone. And in this I have found great peace, a Shalom.

I always dream of being in the spotlight, on the stage, in the papers. I imagine myself as the go-to guy, the popular one, the one everyone loves. I imagine myself as the cornerstone of communities and the guy who makes things mesh. Well, I'm not. God is. And He is what I need. So as this semester goes on, as I grow in my comfort sitting on the outside, as I wander around seeking my place and my roll...I find myself fading into the background. And this is ok. :)