So often I hear the question, "How is it being the only guy on LA Term?" Girls tell me, "That's too much estrogen, even for me." Guys ask me, "How's bachelor LA, have you fallen for anyone yet?" Everyone seems to think I need or want another guy here with me. Yet, all seem to miss it. God has me here for a reason. God has made me the only guy here for a reason. I would have it no other way.
No it's not because I have my "pick of the bunch" (Haha yea right, just because I'm the only guy does not mean these girls are going to fall for me, just means they have to wait 3-4 months). And currently, I honestly am not even looking. In fact, I am trying to detach myself from the longing for a relationship, and simply live single. No the reason I would have it no other way has nothing to do with ring by spring at all. I am blessed to automatically be on the outside.
While I do not feel excluded, and do not feel as though I do not belong and am unwanted in this cohort, I cannot help but be aware that I am a loner, simply by being the only guy. But this is not bad. In fact, God is doing incredible work in me because of this. My entire life I have wanted to be included. I have longed to be a part of the group. I constantly want in on conversations. I pester people to enlighten me to their inside jokes. I want to feel wanted, I want to feel needed.
I also have had this deep craving to be "the guy." Not the sexy guy, the guy everyone wants, or the guy that is the shit (ok...yes I have wanted to be that guy at times too), but rather I have always wanted to be the guy that people went to in time of need. I wanted to be the guy that people leaned on, the solid rock and firm foundation.
My whole life I have also struggled with attachment. I get connected to people (or things), and have a difficult time letting go. I lean on people or things for stability. I look to people for affirmation, for worth, for identity.
This semester, I am being challenged in all of these. While I wish I could be there for all these sisters, as a guy I cannot be there for them the way they can be there for each other, and it is better as it protects hearts as well. Instead, I am able to sit from the outside and watch this incredible fellowship of STRONG women lean on one another and God, finding strength and power from Him and each other rather than me or men. It is an inspiration, and such and honor to have a front row seat to this sisterhood. Being the only guy, I am also left out of some conversations and jokes. This is important, as it pushes me to being okay once again with being an outsider, with not being in on everything. God is also pushing me to be okay with myself, with being with just me and Him. As I do not have a roommate or a guy to meet up with, I do not have this constant companion. I spend a lot of time alone, on buses, on errands...and this is good, this is necessary. I want to be okay with spending significant time merely me and Him. I want to be ok going to the beach alone, to going to a movie alone, to treating myself to a nice dinner. I want to be okay living a life of solitude, me and Him. These sisters are a blessing, a great community, but they are nothing compared to that of my Father. Life lately has been stripping me of my comforts, of my solid rocks and my stabilizers, replacing them with Him alone. And in this I have found great peace, a Shalom.
I always dream of being in the spotlight, on the stage, in the papers. I imagine myself as the go-to guy, the popular one, the one everyone loves. I imagine myself as the cornerstone of communities and the guy who makes things mesh. Well, I'm not. God is. And He is what I need. So as this semester goes on, as I grow in my comfort sitting on the outside, as I wander around seeking my place and my roll...I find myself fading into the background. And this is ok. :)
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