I don't know whether I enjoy contemplating...simply staring off into no where lost in my own thoughts. I do know, I can't stop. As the season shifts to "Fall" (Southern California doesn't know what fall is), and as there are a few overcast days, I lose myself in my own mind. I find myself paralyzed by thought. All l can do is sit and reflect. Everything that fills my head seems to be a deep revelation or question. I lose myself in dreams, in music, in my own mind. There are days when all I want to do is sit by a fire, listen to the rain, watch the sunset over the ocean, let the cool breeze chill my bones, ponder...and be. There are times where i feel lost to the world because I am so lost in myself.
Recently my thoughts have taken me to an interesting place; a place of solitude, a place of sacrifice, a place of simple living. It has led me to a thought that long ago started as a seeming joke and has now grown into a full fledged question and prayer for clarity for the future. It began as a simple smart ass remark to get people off my back about girls and lack of relationships, yet now has rooted in me a deep pondering.
At a young age I attended Catholic masses, and have bounced around various denominations throughout my life. While I am certainly progressive in nature, there is something about tradition that captivates me. There is something about entering a Cathedral that gives me chills. There is something about ritualistic prayers, so simple yet profound, that intrigue me. There is something about speaking in Greek and Hebrew, about knowing Latin and finding a deeper understanding of His word that tickle my imagination. Even in studying other religions, traditions and rituals captivate me. While I do not believe that these rituals and traditions are the way to salvation, I find them as incredibly fascinating.
Deep in my heart and soul I crave a life of simplicity. While I gawk at fancy cars, dream of big muscles and the chiseled body, and imagine a life in which I can afford to buy all the movies and music I so dearly love while clothing myself in stylish fitted caps and sweet kicks, at the depths of me this is not what I long for. There are just as many days that I dream of an extensive music collection as days that I contemplate selling my sound system. There as many days that I think of adding to my music collection as there are days I ponder giving up my dvds and ridding myself of a television. There are as many days I think of fancy cars as there are of days I enjoy the possibility of simply walking and riding the bus. There just as many days in which I revel at stylish clothes as there are that I want to merely wear sweats, or a grungy pair of jeans, or more recently a robe. Deep in my heart, I long for simplicity, for a detachment from goods and belongings, for a break from the societal definitions of prosperity and good living.
I am in a constant flux, lost between wanting to do incredible things and wanting to do nothing at all. Everyday it changes, imagining working in Non-Profits, clinging to my dream of professional athletics, dabbling in the idea of being a writer or journalist, possibly a wondering poet. Sometimes it is the image of preaching, other times it is simply sitting by a lake and pondering.
My wandering heart lately has found itself in the land of solitude. I have found deep in my mind and heart a curiosity and interest in the monkhood. I long for simplicity. I long for humility. I long to simply be, to study...ponder, to pray. I long to give up self and world in place of God. This thought came from the idea of singleness and living life without a spouse, a girlfriend, a significant other. Though there is certainly a part of the that wishes to marry, a piece that dreams of a wife and life with her....still there is a deep pondering of solidarity. There are many factors that go into this possibility, but it seems as though this thought of monkhood which stemmed out of a way to jokingly say "what if I don't get married" has become a true possibility and thought. While I still have a lot to pray about, and a lot to look into as to what this life even would look like...there is something in this that intrigues me and pulls a bit at my heart.
Yet, there is a bit of me that tugs back, that questions this thought of being a monk or a hermit. Is this, in fact, a selfish thought? Is it conceivably easier to live a life of solitude? The immediate answer is no. However, I can't help but wonder. Is part of my longing to be away from the pain of the world, and separate from the possibility of my sin and humanity harming someone else? Is my pondering of singleness out of calling, or out of fear of the pain that comes from relationships? Am I selfishly wanting to seclude myself from the despair that is so deeply embedded in our world? And in doing so will I waste my passions and my gifts given by God? How does a monk or a hermit devote oneself to racial reconciliation? Could there be a monk reaching out to gangs in our inner city, and showing them their worth? Do monks come out against the broken systems of injustice? Are there even groups of monks who tend to lean left and are more progressive? In the end, is the suffering of solitude easier to bear than the suffering of community and life in society? Does being a monk even mean to be entirely secluded and removed from society? Could there be an urban monk?
Then there is the question of the power of solitude, of giving up possessions, of living in simplicity relying entirely on God to provide. There is the freedom from societal pressure of work, of family, success/prosperity and opening time to intercede through constant prayer. Prayer is powerful, and what is more powerful than to live a life that is open to these constant prayer without the distractions of normal routines? Is this even what monks do? Or is this a twisted picture depicted in movies and imagination rather than reality? I do not know.
What this wandering soul has lost itself in this time is the dilemma of old and new, of tradition and progression, of different longings and uncertain calling. Will matty p some day become a preacher or teacher, or an activist? Or will he someday become a quite, humble monk? While much is still left unsaid, and not all my thoughts and reflections are complete or brought into words at this time, only time will tell the answers to these questions and reflections. For now, none have been ruled out and I continue to lose myself in the ideas and thoughts.
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