In case you hadn't noticed, the world around us is fragile....ever changing and leaving the heart and mind spinning wildly. The sure bet consistently fails, what seems stable and safe...crashes and falls, leaving confusion and heartache in its wake. Grown men are turned to children...and the only thing that remains constant is the presence of unanswered questions. Doubt and lack of trust seems to be the theme...
Once again, this wandering heart is left wondering about home....about the future...about itself. Doubts creep in, questions dance around my mind bringing storm clouds to a sunny day. Any moment I have to rest is the most restless time I have...unsettled deep in my soul. But God has once again done what He loves to do...and prove himself ever so faithful. Once again...song lyrics jumped to my mind, as He loves to so often speak to me through. This time it rang through the beloved home town tunes of Five Iron Frenzy, and their classic "Every New Day." The chorus leaves the lips of Mr. Roper, cut through the air, slide through my ears, and land in my heart. "Dear Father, I need you, Your strength my heart to mend. I want to fly higher, every new day again." As I sit here and think of my need to be strong for those around me, as I think of the need to be "on," or even the simple desire to be ok....it's not from me. I have a Father who has the strength to mend my heart and heal my wounds...to take this mess and make a new day. As the burdens pile up on my back and my shoulders grow weary and droop to the ground....He increases and lifts me to new heights.
He continues to show me...that in my struggles, in my brokenness, He is strong, and gives me strength from a well so deep, not even me and my misery, my at times self-loathing, my confusion and heartbreak...could tap it dry. So deep, that I myself can not reach down to drink from it, but only when I rest in His huge arms will He open the flood gates and shower me in His grace and mercy. Through the smile of a child, the presence of a dear friend, or the simply because God decided in this moment He wants and needs me to be strong...the burden seems to slip away into His huge arms and is replaced with a strength and peace that I cannot explain.
I find myself most at home in thunderstorms, when chaos is all around, when God's incredible power is shown in the bolts of lightening and earth shattering thunder...when the rain soaks anything daring enough to step outside. And there it is...in the midst of the storms of my life...am I willing to step outside and see His awesome power, majesty, and glory? Can I let go of my fears and my deep desire to cling to comfort and wander out into His rain, allowing myself to be soaked in His shower of grace and mercy? Or will I stay inside, wrapped in fear and anxiety, shrouded in grief and missing out on the freedom that comes with simply letting go and stepping out the door? I want to go dance in the rain.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Peacefully Wandering Heavy Heart
A cherished person in my life asked me..."How's my heart." The question caught me off guard, while it was one I am dearly familiar with, it has been quite some time since I have been asked it. As I look deep into where I truly am at....God gave me the words... "peacefully wandering heavy heart."
Over the past few months i've really been meditating on and struggling with (cuz it's hard) what it means to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. the things i'm passionate about are hard and depressing, giving me a constantly heavy heart. there are a lot of other longings im wrestling with and some questioning about the future...yet at the same time a sense of peace....resting in the beauty, majesty, and power that is Jesus and knowing i CANT do this....it's only because of Him. that in the wandering, in the confusion, in the heartache, He is goood, He is faithful, and He is ever present. That He loves the broken hearts, is sitting in the SHIT, and is calling me into it. so....yea....im sure there is a lot more to expand on that but thats kinda the sum of it.
And so I continue to wander and wrestle, resting in His grace...cuz it's all I truly know and yet can't even fully comprehend.
Over the past few months i've really been meditating on and struggling with (cuz it's hard) what it means to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. the things i'm passionate about are hard and depressing, giving me a constantly heavy heart. there are a lot of other longings im wrestling with and some questioning about the future...yet at the same time a sense of peace....resting in the beauty, majesty, and power that is Jesus and knowing i CANT do this....it's only because of Him. that in the wandering, in the confusion, in the heartache, He is goood, He is faithful, and He is ever present. That He loves the broken hearts, is sitting in the SHIT, and is calling me into it. so....yea....im sure there is a lot more to expand on that but thats kinda the sum of it.
And so I continue to wander and wrestle, resting in His grace...cuz it's all I truly know and yet can't even fully comprehend.
Searching for Home
Off in a new land, in my new palace for the summer, and yet I'm right back to my old antics, living in my domain....the late night. The perfect time to reflect on what's at hand....to contemplate, to relax. I can converse with myself in total peace, nothing but myself, a few tunes, Jesus, and the crazy non-stop thought machine that is my brain.
So now that I'm here in Chi-town, I decided to work on banging out a few of my thoughts, to work out everything that is marinating in my mind. The thing I have settled on...is I'm just as lost as I ever was. I have a lot of hopes for this summer, that God would settle in my heart a direction for the future. Three weeks in, and I'm back to dreaming new dreams...with no clear direction in sight. As i left for the windy city, I was looking ahead to my semester in LA, and my 6 months (hopefully) in Kenya. My mind has quickly shifted to the loathing the idea of having to leave at the end of the summer. The city I often called my "second" home has quickly stolen my heart, and begun to feel more like home than anywhere else....
For more than two years (the exact amount of time has been lost to me), I have been a wondering soul, searching for home. Denver will always be my love, but it just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. That old familiar touch reminds me more of a little kid clinging to his security blanket too long rather than resting my head on the bed my Daddy prepared for me. While APU is certainly where He sent me, and where I have experienced incredible growth and met Jesus in ways I never had before, it lacked....something. And so I have wandered, and wondered.....longing for that special feeling of joy, excitement, and peace. I dreamed of big cities, study abroads, distant lands and foreign languages. I dreamed of people who looked and thought nothing like me and yet were created in the image of my Father, and who I am eternally tied to, woven into a beautiful tapestry and whose pain and joy I am bound in. I dreamed of new frontiers, of exotic places...of gracing the cover of missionary magazines and creating a buzz in my local church for the incredible exploits and Godly work I was doing. Here....here I would be home.
So God has sent me all the way to....Chicago, my second city, 1,000 miles away from that security blanket....and it feels exactly like...home. The plans I have made, all of a sudden feel insignificant. The dreams I have dreamt no longer perk my ears and flutter my heart....my soul is playing a new tune. My wandering soul has settled....leaving me more confused than ever before. Lord, is this simply home for the summer? Are you giving me this small taste to remind me to trust to lay my head in Jesus' lap and follow Him wherever He goes? Or is this a calling to lay my head in His lap...right here...and give up those dreams and plans I held...which made so much sense just a few weeks a go. Is it merely my addictive personality that has allowed me to be so present here that the longing for what the future held in distant worlds no longer strikes a cord? Or is there something deeper that has caused this stirring....and giving me this feeling I have been searching for over the past few years? New dreams of settling down in the city come to mind. This place melts and breaks my heart all at once. Is it really going to be over in a mere 7 weeks....?
As I write and think....Lifehouse plays in the background and mirrors my thoughts, my feeling of being so lost and confused and unsure and at home all at once. I'm following Jesus...and He makes such quick turns I can't tell where He's taking me or what's around the corner...I have no idea where I'm going....that security I felt about the next two years is all of a sudden lost.
"I am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where You are. And faith makes everybody scared, It's the unknown, the don't-know, that keeps me hanging on to You."
I am deeply broken and passionately in love....Lord my home is where ever you make it...and it sure feels a lot like Chicago...
So now that I'm here in Chi-town, I decided to work on banging out a few of my thoughts, to work out everything that is marinating in my mind. The thing I have settled on...is I'm just as lost as I ever was. I have a lot of hopes for this summer, that God would settle in my heart a direction for the future. Three weeks in, and I'm back to dreaming new dreams...with no clear direction in sight. As i left for the windy city, I was looking ahead to my semester in LA, and my 6 months (hopefully) in Kenya. My mind has quickly shifted to the loathing the idea of having to leave at the end of the summer. The city I often called my "second" home has quickly stolen my heart, and begun to feel more like home than anywhere else....
For more than two years (the exact amount of time has been lost to me), I have been a wondering soul, searching for home. Denver will always be my love, but it just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. That old familiar touch reminds me more of a little kid clinging to his security blanket too long rather than resting my head on the bed my Daddy prepared for me. While APU is certainly where He sent me, and where I have experienced incredible growth and met Jesus in ways I never had before, it lacked....something. And so I have wandered, and wondered.....longing for that special feeling of joy, excitement, and peace. I dreamed of big cities, study abroads, distant lands and foreign languages. I dreamed of people who looked and thought nothing like me and yet were created in the image of my Father, and who I am eternally tied to, woven into a beautiful tapestry and whose pain and joy I am bound in. I dreamed of new frontiers, of exotic places...of gracing the cover of missionary magazines and creating a buzz in my local church for the incredible exploits and Godly work I was doing. Here....here I would be home.
So God has sent me all the way to....Chicago, my second city, 1,000 miles away from that security blanket....and it feels exactly like...home. The plans I have made, all of a sudden feel insignificant. The dreams I have dreamt no longer perk my ears and flutter my heart....my soul is playing a new tune. My wandering soul has settled....leaving me more confused than ever before. Lord, is this simply home for the summer? Are you giving me this small taste to remind me to trust to lay my head in Jesus' lap and follow Him wherever He goes? Or is this a calling to lay my head in His lap...right here...and give up those dreams and plans I held...which made so much sense just a few weeks a go. Is it merely my addictive personality that has allowed me to be so present here that the longing for what the future held in distant worlds no longer strikes a cord? Or is there something deeper that has caused this stirring....and giving me this feeling I have been searching for over the past few years? New dreams of settling down in the city come to mind. This place melts and breaks my heart all at once. Is it really going to be over in a mere 7 weeks....?
As I write and think....Lifehouse plays in the background and mirrors my thoughts, my feeling of being so lost and confused and unsure and at home all at once. I'm following Jesus...and He makes such quick turns I can't tell where He's taking me or what's around the corner...I have no idea where I'm going....that security I felt about the next two years is all of a sudden lost.
"I am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where You are. And faith makes everybody scared, It's the unknown, the don't-know, that keeps me hanging on to You."
I am deeply broken and passionately in love....Lord my home is where ever you make it...and it sure feels a lot like Chicago...
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