Searching for Home

Off in a new land, in my new palace for the summer, and yet I'm right back to my old antics, living in my domain....the late night. The perfect time to reflect on what's at hand....to contemplate, to relax. I can converse with myself in total peace, nothing but myself, a few tunes, Jesus, and the crazy non-stop thought machine that is my brain.

So now that I'm here in Chi-town, I decided to work on banging out a few of my thoughts, to work out everything that is marinating in my mind. The thing I have settled on...is I'm just as lost as I ever was. I have a lot of hopes for this summer, that God would settle in my heart a direction for the future. Three weeks in, and I'm back to dreaming new dreams...with no clear direction in sight. As i left for the windy city, I was looking ahead to my semester in LA, and my 6 months (hopefully) in Kenya. My mind has quickly shifted to the loathing the idea of having to leave at the end of the summer. The city I often called my "second" home has quickly stolen my heart, and begun to feel more like home than anywhere else....

For more than two years (the exact amount of time has been lost to me), I have been a wondering soul, searching for home. Denver will always be my love, but it just doesn't feel like where I'm supposed to be. That old familiar touch reminds me more of a little kid clinging to his security blanket too long rather than resting my head on the bed my Daddy prepared for me. While APU is certainly where He sent me, and where I have experienced incredible growth and met Jesus in ways I never had before, it lacked....something. And so I have wandered, and wondered.....longing for that special feeling of joy, excitement, and peace. I dreamed of big cities, study abroads, distant lands and foreign languages. I dreamed of people who looked and thought nothing like me and yet were created in the image of my Father, and who I am eternally tied to, woven into a beautiful tapestry and whose pain and joy I am bound in. I dreamed of new frontiers, of exotic places...of gracing the cover of missionary magazines and creating a buzz in my local church for the incredible exploits and Godly work I was doing. Here....here I would be home.

So God has sent me all the way to....Chicago, my second city, 1,000 miles away from that security blanket....and it feels exactly like...home. The plans I have made, all of a sudden feel insignificant. The dreams I have dreamt no longer perk my ears and flutter my heart....my soul is playing a new tune. My wandering soul has settled....leaving me more confused than ever before. Lord, is this simply home for the summer? Are you giving me this small taste to remind me to trust to lay my head in Jesus' lap and follow Him wherever He goes? Or is this a calling to lay my head in His lap...right here...and give up those dreams and plans I held...which made so much sense just a few weeks a go. Is it merely my addictive personality that has allowed me to be so present here that the longing for what the future held in distant worlds no longer strikes a cord? Or is there something deeper that has caused this stirring....and giving me this feeling I have been searching for over the past few years? New dreams of settling down in the city come to mind. This place melts and breaks my heart all at once. Is it really going to be over in a mere 7 weeks....?

As I write and think....Lifehouse plays in the background and mirrors my thoughts, my feeling of being so lost and confused and unsure and at home all at once. I'm following Jesus...and He makes such quick turns I can't tell where He's taking me or what's around the corner...I have no idea where I'm going....that security I felt about the next two years is all of a sudden lost.

"I am falling into grace, to the unknown, to where You are. And faith makes everybody scared, It's the unknown, the don't-know, that keeps me hanging on to You."

I am deeply broken and passionately in love....Lord my home is where ever you make it...and it sure feels a lot like Chicago...